April 13, 2013
I thought spring was here but it was just a tease.  There are sprouts peeking up in the cracked earth and it still freezes at night.  How brave these little sprouts who in just a few weeks will be basking in the hot sun while they shoot up to that bright sky.
Life is so interesting with eyes open.  I have been reading a lot of Mary Oliver of late.  I have always loved her writing; really connected with it.  Often I have felt that she was writing straight to my heart.  There is so much beauty and wonder when I stop and observe.  There are so many gifts when I put fear aside and open myself.  Sprouts, birds, music, poetry, children, fresh eggs, the goats and the llama - they all hold deep secrets of joy - their gift to me.  The richness of March, each mild day sweeter than before, then the chill winds again and cold that bites my nose but April is here and each day I know there is a blessing in the air for me. Turn over the earth in the inner garden...planting seeds of "simplicity"in the fertile soil of our souls. Yes!  So grateful for the seeds, the gifts, the soil and the awareness of soul.

This particular poem of Mary Oliver touched me so very deeply that I want to share it.

The Lamps  

Eight o'clock, no later, 

you light the lamps. 

The big one by the large window,

The small one on your desk. 

They are not to see by- 

It is still twilight over the sand

The scrub oaks and cranberries.

Even the small birds have not settled yet.

For sleep yet of the reach 

of prowling foxes. No. 

You light the lamps because 

you are alone in your small house

And the wicks sputtering gold

Are like two visitors with good stories

They will tell you slowly, in soft voices

While the air outside turns quietly 

A grainy and luminous blue.

You wish it would never change -

but of course the darkness keeps 

Its' appointment. Each evening, 

an inscrutable presence, it has the final word

Outside every door.

                                                           From Twelve Moons

Tonight I will say a quiet prayer, thank the day, the spirit that gave it, the world that held me the lovers that sustained me and light the lamp on the table by the window and the one on my desk and listen to the voices.

January 2013  a new year.  This morning is is a little below zero, crisp, cold and beautiful.  The sun is not up yet but it is getting light.  As I sit and ponder my many gifts I feel so blessed and grateful.  This pondering takes me to a very deep level.  This is more than lip services it is gratitude that reaches from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.  I have riches beyond belief.

I have my beautiful home, warm, comfortable and my sanctuary.  I have amazing sons whom I adore.  I am so proud of them and our adult relationship is so rich and filled with love my heart overflows.  There are critters on the farm - Seren, my accidental little angora mini, Lilly the mountain lion attack survivor (both goats) and Willie, the Llama who guards the farm.  My constant companions are Max and Jaz the dogs and Ubu the amazing cat.  Living in the mountains of SW Colorado I am in constant wonder of the landscape.  The mountains that gently hold and nurture me, the juniper and pinion and the host of wild critters that I love tracking in the snow.  Yesterday there was a bunny rabbit whose tracks I followed for a while,  It was a very busy little creature.  I left a little grain for it last night by the barnyard gate where some of it's tracks were.
Recently read the book "A Century of Wisdom: The Life of Alice Herz-Sommer the Oldest Holocaust Survivor".  At one hundred and eight this woman still practices her piano three hours a day!  She refuses to talk about the horror of the camps except in the most general terms...not in denial of what happened but in the belief that today is what is important and how we live it.  What an inspirational way to begin a new year.  This is on the top ten of my favorite books of all time.


At 108 years old, the pianist Alice Herz-Sommer is an eyewitness to the entire last century and the first decade of this one. She has seen it all, surviving the Theresienstadt concentration camp, attending the trial of Adolf Eichmann in Jerusalem, and along the way coming into contact with some of the most fascinating historical figures of our time. As a child in Prague, she spent weekends and holidays in the company of Franz Kafka (whom she knew as “Uncle Franz”), and Gustav Mahler, Sigmund Freud, and Rainer Maria Rilke were friendly with her mother. When Alice moved to Israel after the war, Golda Meir attended her house concerts, as did Arthur Rubinstein, Leonard Bernstein, and Isaac Stern. Today Alice lives in London, where she still practices piano for hours every day.  
 
Despite her imprisonment in Theresienstadt and the murders of her mother, husband, and friends by the Nazis, and much later the premature death of her son, Alice has been victorious in her ability to live a life without bitterness. She credits music as the key to her survival, as well as her ability to acknowledge the humanity in each person, even her enemies. A Century of Wisdom is the remarkable and inspiring story of one woman’s lifelong determination—in the face of some of the worst evils known to man—to find goodness in life. It is a testament to the bonds of friendship, the power of music, and the importance of leading a life of material simplicity, intellectual curiosity, and never-ending optimism.

Heading into a New Year filled with joy and deep gratitude!

The Good Life

 

Ahhhh, Life is Grand!  Feeling so fully alive, joyful and healthy today.  Hanging out with friends, four and two footed.  Getting some work done, having some fun and feeling quite relaxed.

My work is going well, my health has returned after a cold, my life is so very full of blessings.

I am deeply grateful.  Sending love and light to those who may be struggling today.

A Diagnosis

Ok, I admit it, I am a quirky old broad.  These days I sleep with books and dogs...well I always have, so what! Occasionally there has been a man in the middle of it all.  Not anymore.  I am finally at an age where it doesn't really matter...I am quite happy and perhaps quite mad.  My life is so rich, full and complete despite my addiction to good books, fine music and my little farm.  Herein lies the rub.  I have always felt more at home in the sheep pen, weeding the garden, moving manure, listening to the birds, feeling the sun dance on my body and the wind in my hair, watching sprouts shoot up from the rich dark earth that I have turned, collecting those wonderous little miracles, eggs.  When I see a tomato ripening on the vine, watch delicate little flowers turn into peas or beans, experience the thrill of scents in the herb garden...I am home.  I am relaxed, essential, authentic and yes, I talk with god because that is where she is...and she talks back.  Do I have dirt under my fingernails often and calluses on my hands?  YES!  Another symptom.  I realize now that I have had them since I was about nine and that is a lot of years to hang around this planet thinking I was crazy.  I all began back when I met a horse and discovered the world outside of my dysfunctional home life.  It was amazing!  Waaaay back then I knew that life could be tranquil and beautiful.  And so it has continued throughout my life.  Always thinking I was odd, didn't fit and was really only me when I was on my little farm. Symptoms can range from mild to extreme.  Mine ran the gamut.

When I am up to my knees in muck, smelling the horse or sheep and goats - when I am weeding and watching in wonder as things grow...I am HOME.

I owe a huge THANK YOU to Jenna Woginrich for her book Barnheart.  Now I know what it is, what I have and have had for over fifty years...BARNHEART!  I love it, I am grateful for it and will continue to nurture it but now I have a word.  She says it is incurable and ya know what?  I am not looking for a cure just more time in my paradise.  Thank you Jenna.

The new year begins...

Six days into the new year and I am still pondering the newness of it all.  A new beginning, a clean slate, a year to take action and move forward; all of those things.  How truly exciting that we get chances to begin again.  Zora Neale Hurston says that "there are years that ask questions and years that answer."
For me 2011 was assuredly the year that asked questions and actually, by the end I was hearing answers.

Thoreau tells us that "Life is in us like the water in a river"  Life is a journey, a safari, a pilgrimage, a garden and if we make it highest art.  In short, life really is what we make it.  I know I am a seeker and dreams fuel my seeking.  I am finally at peace with those dreams and the seeking.  My path is one of real life; I leek love, passion, wholeness, authenticity.  Dreams are my soul food and point the way on my path.  My dreams and passions flow through me and direct me as water does the river. I am a seeker, a passionate woman, a woman of spirit.  I honor that and I celebrate that as we pass into another year.  The new year is an opportunity for following my instincts, my intuition and catching the flow!  I am deeply grateful for my many gifts which include answers I have heard during this past year. I surrender expectations and revel in joy as I enter 2012. 

Love, simplicity and connection

The day after Christmas.  A very quiet day of introspection and listening to the Power of the Crone by Estes.  She is my heroine, a guiding light, a wise woman, a crone, and my mentor.  I love her work and whenever I need a pick me up - I listen to her.

After our morning walk, the candle is lit and I listen.  I am validated, reassured and uplifted.  I laugh, I cry and I nod my head vigorously.  She talks about her Aunt Edna and pictures are painted so clearly I truly "see" them.  I "see" so many other things too about my life, about the world, about love, simplicity and connection.  It isn't as hard as I make it sometimes.  Following my heart - loving and being loved by family, friends, community.  Life is beautiful as it unfolds when we take the time to savor - to notice, to hear, to "see" - to BE.  It has been a rich and rewarding day spent in quiet walking, listening and knowing.  We are all connected and somehow in this new moon, as we approach a new year, it is time to really acknowledge that.  I feel such joy and deep gratitude to be here - now. 

Winter Solstice, Hanukkah and now Christmas.  It is Christmas Eve and I have such mixed feelings

Feelings of joy, feelings of gratitude but also some feelings of sadness. I miss my children! They are back east and I remain in the Rockies.  I opted not to travel this season.  It has been a good but challenging year and I simply didn't have the requisite energy for travel over the holidays.  It has become a real chore. Memories abound though and they are rich. I so enjoyed the times we were together, when they were kids.  While I am sad and cleansing tears flow constantly today, I am not unhappy, upset or depressed.  I guess having sad feelings speaks to the depth of love and caring deep in my heart for them.  I am grateful for that.

I was thinking about Christmas earlier today...the concept, the reason, the memories and realize that it is and always has been my favorite "holiday".  I think this probably goes back to my early childhood and the stories about Mary and Joseph traveling, being turned away at the Inn and ultimately having Jesus in a barn and laying him to rest in a manger with ox, horse, lamb, cow, goats, horses and dogs as company.  I embraced this from an early age.  Lucky Jesus. What better place to be or to be born!  I have been envious all my life.  The barn is still my best place. I love the music, the food, the ritual and the weather at Christmas!  One of the tenors is now singing as I write...in Italian...but I get it!  I love Christmas, I love my family and I am filled with awe and delight even through the tears.

As a new year approaches I am always very thoughtful and introspective.  These words found their way to me and hit their mark.

"you have escaped the cage, your wings are stretched out, now fly."  Rumi

"Run my dear from anything that may not strengthen your precious budding wings." Hafiz