To go in the dark with a light is to know the light. To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight, and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings, and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings. -Wendell Berry Art by By Līga Kļaviņa

Solstice.  The longest night is a fruitful time for setting intentions, to be birthed with the newborn Sun. What you conceive now can grow with the Sun, and gain momentum in Spring. You might start a tradition of setting Winter Solstice intentions, and in one year, see how many have come into being. Put them in a special tin or box that has meaning for you. The dark before the dawn, just like the new moons, can be a powerful moment of magic, drawing in what you'd like to see happen in the new year.
A time of magic and a time to dream peace. 
As I take stock of the year past I am so deeply grateful for my many blessings.  A beautiful, warm, comfortable home, a menagerie of beautiful pets - especially two dogs, the ability to work at a job that provides well for me in a good work environment, a family to give and receive love, the mountains that hold me and a climate that is kind to me.
Of course I have picked up a few things this year like a cardiologist and an orthopedic surgeon, but still there is a place for such sincere gratitude as my health is good and I have the ability to keep it that way. 
As I ponder and really do know how fortunate I am and pray for those less fortunate; for my son who is going through a breakup of a relationship and is devastated. For his beautiful wife whom I also love greatly. For those who are homeless or sick or otherwise in pain. For those suffering from mental illness or are totally alone.  I pray for those who serve and protect us; firefighters, police and other service people.  The woman at the company that handles my worker's comp claim which was just closed and I need to re-open it because of great back pain.  Her kind words and support have sustained me at this difficult time.  Again, gratitude that I can seek the help that I need and that there are people who truly care and can be loving and nice in the process. 

A very emotional time of the year and I am grateful to feel a full range of those emotions.  A time of gratitude, a time of re-birthing and a time of magic as we call back the sun - may it shine on a more peaceful and loving world. 

Her Hands

Last week as I was waiting my turn in the chiropractor’s office, a woman cane and sat down across from me.  She was of moderate height and weight and obviously an older woman; dressed in jeans, a flannel shirt with another as a jacket, athletic shoes on her feet.  Her skin was clear, almost translucent and she wore plain wire framed glasses.  Her white hair was shoulder length and pulled back into a pony tail.  There was an amazing peacefulness and calm about her.  What I noticed most was her hands.  They were relaxed and folded in her lap.  The skin on them was youthful looking, clear, and had no age marks or ripples of age.  Her fingers were long and beautiful and there was a simple, much worn, thin, gold band on her ring finger.  They appeared so delicate, yet I could imagine a great strength also. But now, they were just resting gently in her lap.  I tried not to stare but I found those hands captivating.  I could not help but wonder about her life, her story.

I could see her sitting strong in the saddle holding the reins in those hands; opening and closing gates, lovingly attending to a baby and children.  I could them tending food in the garden and in the kitchen;  planting, weeding, picking and canning.  Do those hands knit, crochet or quilt? Do they lovingly stroke pets?  Have they comforted and loved a partner offering solace and support:  Have they artfully arranged hair, applied makeup, held a tea cup, or does she prefer coffee?  Have those hands been instruments of exploration, tenderness, caring and hope?

What stories those beautiful hands might tell I don’t know, but they truly spoke to me.

Harvest

The garden in my sanctuary, the church of my back yard.  I have always known that.  I have harvested, as needed during the season, great herbs, veggies and flowers with absolute delight!  Last night, knowing that there will be a killing frost tonight, I harvested buckets of basil, chard, lovage, squash, tomatoes and some flowers.  The gourds will remain for a few weeks and they I will be able to find all of them! My hands were stained brownish green and smelled so good I never wanted to wash them!
This morning I finished the harvest with deep gratitude as I harvested potatoes.  I was gifted with many pounds of those little red beauties.  As I rummaged around in the small patch I could not help but think how blessed I am and what deep gratitude I felt!

Lastly, and with more words of thanks, I cut the remaining vibrant flowers that have provided a riot of color
all during the season.  Cosmos, corn flowers, poppies, and some greens.  They now sit all through my home, reminding me of beauty, grace, gifts, magic, the seasons and cycles of life.  I contemplate in great joy and gratitude.
Harvest!

My Muse has a question...

So, this morning my Muse asked me:  "Do you think that after all these years of living a life someone else prescribed for you that you might be ready to live your "own" life?"  That gave me pause.  She continued: "After all the drama, the heartache, the joy and the magic...but rarely authenticity, do you think you may be ready?"  I told her I would think about it.  You should have seen the look she gave me!
Yes, I tell myself, I may be ready to live my own, authentic, creative life filled with ease, love and joy.  There sure has been heartache, sadness, and wrong choices, but there have also been moments filled with pure joy and true magic.  I spent some time out in the garden this morning after my discussion with my Muse.

After that delicious interlude, I decided to see what the Tarot cards had to say as my Muse's words were still echoing in my head!  I pulled three cards, past, present and future.  The first, (past) is the Lake representing stillness.  It talks about the tempo of life speeding up (man, do I know that and have been trying to release speed) and seeming to be no escape (no kidding!).  It goes on to say that there is no need to be held a prisoner by this "hurry up" syndrome nor is there need to feel trapped by the awareness of our collective intensities.  Seek stillness.  Ok, good thoughts.  

The second card (present)  is Full Moon, signifying completion.  I think I like where this is going and more importantly my instincts, my intuition, my "gut" already knew.  I smile to myself. Completion talks about receiving as sacred and being as holy as giving.  Letting go of old conditioning and healing wounds.  "Set aside ritualized habits and beliefs that restrict the pure act of allowing your body, heart and soul to be nurtured. Lie on the Earth and ask Gaia to rock you in her bosom as you breathe with her and relax into her loving care."  Yes!  Just what I have been needing is a little real loving care. 

The third card represents the future and is Fire, signifying passion.  I really like where this is going!

It asks, "What are your passions?  What ignites that inner flame, that creative spark? ... consider what is missing in your life...Passion is not something that comes from outside of you...it is an intensity of feeling, whether quietly experienced or enthusiastically expressed.  

Passion can simply be a strong feeling or the sensation itself can be so powerful that it motivates you to act...Open yourself to the truth of what you are passionate about and find a mans to express it." 

I really liked that!!  So, with a little stillness, a lot of listening, and some action maybe, I am beginning to life my authentic life after all these years.  So grateful!  Blessed Be and so it will be.  

My Muse will be happy. 

Last, lazy days of summer

This morning was just about the most perfect I could imagine.  The sun, clear blue sky, peaceful and quiet.  That quiet occasionally interrupted by the song of a bird, flutter of hummer seeking sweet source, and Raven chatter.  Cattle are gently calling in a distant pasture down the hill.  The colors are so beautiful!  Tall sunflowers glowing gold tower over vibrant pink and white cosmos and roses still bloom crimson.  Morning glories are everywhere stretching to the sky!  They are abundant and even on the barren, shale soil they manage to grow like grass and still bloom.  The red and pink poppies delight me.  I have tried for years to grow them and this year they finally arrived, little but so lovely.  The tomatoes are all turning red, the basil threatening to bloom along with the cilantro; lettuce just about done while dill and beans dance in the gentle breeze.  Squash, well I really don't want to talk about it.  Next year I will show some restraint and not plant a half dozen plants!  Half an hour of gentle meditation in the warm sun and the rest of my day to myself! 

Doesn't really get much better.  So grateful and feeling bliss. 

"Heartswell"...

Heartswell...that probably isn't a word, but I am making it one.  It is what happened to my heart as I began to read a new book, However Long the Night,  by Aimee Molloy. 

"It is the unlikely and very inspiring story of Molly Melching, an American woman whose experience as an exchange student in Senegal led her to found Tostan and dedicate almost four decades of her life to the girls and women of Africa.

This moving biography details Melching's beginnings at the University of Dakar and follows her journey of 40 years in Africa, where she became a social entrepreneur and one of humanity's strongest voices for the rights of girls and women."

I knew I was hooked in the prelude when tears burned in my eyes.  Molly was recounting her early days in Senagal with no electricity, no clean water, yet she built a house and made a life. Memories of my too short time in Santhe flood my heart.  Hence, "heartswell." Molly talks about walking through the village feeling intense love for the villagers and knowing of their love for her. Heartswell!  This is how I want to live, love and exist here on this planet, making a difference and loving.  I remember so acutely the feelings I had in Africa; the simplicity of live, the extreme poverty, but undying joy, love and music!  

Dreams.  I have had so many since I returned and most center around being instrumental in making something positive happen for women in a developing area.  Molly's story is so filled with love, joy and hope and I haven't even finished the first chapter!  She knows that success is in empowering women.  Not flying in, putting on Africa and throwing around power, knowledge or money.  It is in educating, supporting and empowering those women who live there to find their path to a healthier life, in their own time and space. She does not impart great wisdom, she meets them in love where they are. I don't care about power, status, wealth, I care about my heart, and those of other women.  I want to be a part of that sacred, quiet revolution! Heartswell.  

I am dreaming my dreams, believing my dreams and hope to live my dreams of making a quiet difference, leading a quiet revolution, somewhere with women who are waiting for that support. 

Heartswell. 

Hope

Sometimes I get really discouraged and think what is this world coming to?  Things are floundering and worse in the big picture.  Where are the leaders?  It feels very sad it what I end up thinking. But in the past few weeks through a beautiful women's vision circle I have met some of the most amazing women!  Young women who are caring, very bright and taking action.  I found our leaders.  Some are actively working on the GMO issues; others are creating birthing centers; and yet others are working in organic agriculture. There are others working in education, nutrition, family development, finance, empowerment and general health.  They are fresh, inspired and really grooving. They are deep, committed and soulful.  I am so happy to know that there are leaders out there and not just here in Colorado.  They are across this great big country of ours and in Canada.  They are organizing and leading a much needed and sometimes quiet but relentless revolution.  I cheer them one all.  We do have leaders and they are hard at work.  Thank you Sisters!

Beauty and Joy!

Last night I stood out under the stars that totally filled the sky with wonder.  A tiny waxing crescent moon hung up there too, with it's planet,  which I think is Venus. It shines like a diamond! I felt like a part of that sky scape and was in awe of the beauty.  I soared in the dark sky, the twinkling stars and planets, it was pure magic.  Later, as sleep overtook me, cuddled softly into my quilt, those same stars and planets shone brightly in my room.
This morning is crisp, cool and breezy.  I am feeling so attuned to my surroundings and really savoring all of the feelings; the cool that greeted me when I arose, the warmth of the sun creeping up over the mountain and falling on my face, the breeze gently caressing me.  Then there are the scents!  The roses whose perfume is carried on that breeze, the petunias, the dill and the rosemary and even the basil this morning scents the early morning air.

I am fully awake and aware this morning and loving my place on this earth and deeply grateful for the many gifts bestowed upon me here.  Life is good and I am feeling so centered and joyful!  Think I will go dance in the breeze and enjoy all the bounty that is right here in my backyard.

Friends talk about getting away, going camping, etc.  Yes, that might be lovely

but I always ask myself why would I want to leave this place of beauty?  I have it all right here...mountains, breezes, flowers, critters and so much comfort without even leaving home!
Ok, so maybe before the summer is over I will pack up my tent and Coleman stove and head out into the wilderness....maybe.  But until then I am savoring my own back yard.

Soul Searching

Been thinking a lot about life, probably because there has been so much loss lately.  What is my purpose here on this plane?  What makes me happy?  Why don't I take time for the things that feed my soul?
Why do I so often try and extinguish my passion?  Old programming?  Well, isn't it time to move this along, and quickly!?
Need more creative time.  I feel the passion and then get caught up in "stuff" and get off the track.
My pledge to myself is that in the next week, I set time aside just for creativity.  My soul needs it.

With the weekend coming up it is a perfect time to unplug, tune in and CREATE~ 

I have made a pact with myself.  I am DOING it.  

Saddness, loss and tonglen

Lately, there has been a lot of loss and grief around me.  My work partner just lost her dad.  There was another senseless suicide. Another friend miles away from her Dad and worried because he is along in years and in the hospital.  My dearest friend's ex husband, and father of her children is in Hospice and suffering immeasurably.  How do you console those in such pain?  I really don't know.  My heart reaches out to them and Pema Chodron has helped me a lot by talking about Tonglen.  Here is a little of what she says about it: 

"The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us.
We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in other's pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness. However, we often cannot do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness happens to be at that moment. "

I remember this concept from years ago when I was going through a difficult time. I remember thinking it could never work, that it was just kind of Buddhist, new age gobbldey gook.  But, you know what?  It really does work!
I remember during my difficult time it worked.  I tried it again over the past few days and focused on breathing in all the pain and breathing out relief, peace, joy and love.  It worked.  At a time when you feel totally helpless to do anything, this is a practice that makes a difference.  I find I am spending more time in meditation and being very observant of my breath throughout the day.  I am sending out love and light, peace and harmony to those I love and even those I don't.  At a time when you fell helpless...give it a try.  We really are all connected you know. 

Spring?

I know I should be outside doing something but it is windy.  I think of pioneer women who went mad on the plains in the wind.  Days of this can drive one mad!
I have been trying to get another blog up and running for HerStory and rather than exercising I am sitting on my butt at the computer, thinking and swearing...at the computer!  I am thinking about story and how so many stories are sacred.  The lives of women who have passed and whose spirits remain; whose courage and spunk helped grow farms, children, families and more. I think of the invisible thread that connects me to these brave souls. They encircle life, mine, yours and those to come, as hopefully we will when we leave this earth.
Sacred story speaks to us of timeless lessons and offer us different ways of looking at our innermost core, who we are.  I like to think of this as exercising (as I really need to get some of that in today!) mythic memory. I feel so strongly that these ancestors really do live within and through us; their stories are our in so many ways.                                                        

I love "entering" the life of a woman who has been spoken of little, if at all in history, discovering who she it. It is a magic trip as I make her life my own for a little while and get to know her. I just finished posting Annie Smith Peck.  She was born in Rhode Island where I lived for so long, and was truly an amazing woman.  While she is spoken of, especially here in the extreme state of Colorado, she is still relatively unknown.

Well, maybe I will stop thinking for a bit and try the treadmill.  That will exercise something other than my mind and it is not windy inside!

April 13, 2013
I thought spring was here but it was just a tease.  There are sprouts peeking up in the cracked earth and it still freezes at night.  How brave these little sprouts who in just a few weeks will be basking in the hot sun while they shoot up to that bright sky.
Life is so interesting with eyes open.  I have been reading a lot of Mary Oliver of late.  I have always loved her writing; really connected with it.  Often I have felt that she was writing straight to my heart.  There is so much beauty and wonder when I stop and observe.  There are so many gifts when I put fear aside and open myself.  Sprouts, birds, music, poetry, children, fresh eggs, the goats and the llama - they all hold deep secrets of joy - their gift to me.  The richness of March, each mild day sweeter than before, then the chill winds again and cold that bites my nose but April is here and each day I know there is a blessing in the air for me. Turn over the earth in the inner garden...planting seeds of "simplicity"in the fertile soil of our souls. Yes!  So grateful for the seeds, the gifts, the soil and the awareness of soul.

This particular poem of Mary Oliver touched me so very deeply that I want to share it.

The Lamps  

Eight o'clock, no later, 

you light the lamps. 

The big one by the large window,

The small one on your desk. 

They are not to see by- 

It is still twilight over the sand

The scrub oaks and cranberries.

Even the small birds have not settled yet.

For sleep yet of the reach 

of prowling foxes. No. 

You light the lamps because 

you are alone in your small house

And the wicks sputtering gold

Are like two visitors with good stories

They will tell you slowly, in soft voices

While the air outside turns quietly 

A grainy and luminous blue.

You wish it would never change -

but of course the darkness keeps 

Its' appointment. Each evening, 

an inscrutable presence, it has the final word

Outside every door.

                                                           From Twelve Moons

Tonight I will say a quiet prayer, thank the day, the spirit that gave it, the world that held me the lovers that sustained me and light the lamp on the table by the window and the one on my desk and listen to the voices.

January 2013  a new year.  This morning is is a little below zero, crisp, cold and beautiful.  The sun is not up yet but it is getting light.  As I sit and ponder my many gifts I feel so blessed and grateful.  This pondering takes me to a very deep level.  This is more than lip services it is gratitude that reaches from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.  I have riches beyond belief.

I have my beautiful home, warm, comfortable and my sanctuary.  I have amazing sons whom I adore.  I am so proud of them and our adult relationship is so rich and filled with love my heart overflows.  There are critters on the farm - Seren, my accidental little angora mini, Lilly the mountain lion attack survivor (both goats) and Willie, the Llama who guards the farm.  My constant companions are Max and Jaz the dogs and Ubu the amazing cat.  Living in the mountains of SW Colorado I am in constant wonder of the landscape.  The mountains that gently hold and nurture me, the juniper and pinion and the host of wild critters that I love tracking in the snow.  Yesterday there was a bunny rabbit whose tracks I followed for a while,  It was a very busy little creature.  I left a little grain for it last night by the barnyard gate where some of it's tracks were.
Recently read the book "A Century of Wisdom: The Life of Alice Herz-Sommer the Oldest Holocaust Survivor".  At one hundred and eight this woman still practices her piano three hours a day!  She refuses to talk about the horror of the camps except in the most general terms...not in denial of what happened but in the belief that today is what is important and how we live it.  What an inspirational way to begin a new year.  This is on the top ten of my favorite books of all time.


At 108 years old, the pianist Alice Herz-Sommer is an eyewitness to the entire last century and the first decade of this one. She has seen it all, surviving the Theresienstadt concentration camp, attending the trial of Adolf Eichmann in Jerusalem, and along the way coming into contact with some of the most fascinating historical figures of our time. As a child in Prague, she spent weekends and holidays in the company of Franz Kafka (whom she knew as “Uncle Franz”), and Gustav Mahler, Sigmund Freud, and Rainer Maria Rilke were friendly with her mother. When Alice moved to Israel after the war, Golda Meir attended her house concerts, as did Arthur Rubinstein, Leonard Bernstein, and Isaac Stern. Today Alice lives in London, where she still practices piano for hours every day.  
 
Despite her imprisonment in Theresienstadt and the murders of her mother, husband, and friends by the Nazis, and much later the premature death of her son, Alice has been victorious in her ability to live a life without bitterness. She credits music as the key to her survival, as well as her ability to acknowledge the humanity in each person, even her enemies. A Century of Wisdom is the remarkable and inspiring story of one woman’s lifelong determination—in the face of some of the worst evils known to man—to find goodness in life. It is a testament to the bonds of friendship, the power of music, and the importance of leading a life of material simplicity, intellectual curiosity, and never-ending optimism.

Heading into a New Year filled with joy and deep gratitude!